Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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