My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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