my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
