she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
