I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
