I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
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this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
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FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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