did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
