is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
