Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
