He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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