Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
