Non-Jews are for practice
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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