I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
