just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
