I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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