Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
