Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You have to summon your inner elephant
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
