I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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