Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
