'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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