Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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