when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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