I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
