Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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