Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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