the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
MIDGETS
????
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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