Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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