I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
