the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
