my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
