I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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