that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
