I hate all girls vehemently.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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