Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
