My liver just broke up with me...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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