So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
