the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
