I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
