I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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