you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We just shotgunned beers for America
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
