I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
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i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
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More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now