So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse