I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
the liver wants what the liver wants
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!