Texts From Last Night

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  (720): View more from Colorado

  There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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  (720): There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!" http://tfl.nu/c7ck
  Replies (64) Good night (10063) Bad night (763)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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  (610): I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace. http://tfl.nu/hmhd
  Replies (48) Good night (7560) Bad night (1052)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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  (702): As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation? http://tfl.nu/6nb1
  Replies (16) Good night (7065) Bad night (1172)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I gave up sex for lent.

  (646): View more from New York

  I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.

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  (678): I gave up sex for lent. (646): I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter. http://tfl.nu/87gp
  Replies (18) Good night (1095) Bad night (4367)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now

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  (314): not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now http://tfl.nu/x7uc
  Replies (10) Good night (2288) Bad night (984)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

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  (734): I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door. http://tfl.nu/gl6z
  Replies (7) Good night (2677) Bad night (651)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?

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  (314): I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season? http://tfl.nu/6vbo
  Replies (6) Good night (1537) Bad night (501)
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  (925): View more from California

  She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set

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  (925): She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set http://tfl.nu/ske1
  Replies (6) Good night (571) Bad night (1702)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99

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  (765): Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99 http://tfl.nu/kc7o
  Replies (1) Good night (1001) Bad night (788)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.

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  (501): I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job. http://tfl.nu/8e8h
  Replies (10) Good night (1885) Bad night (462)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor

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  (717): I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor http://tfl.nu/quon
  Replies (9) Good night (1037) Bad night (461)
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor

  (206): View more from Washington

  Haha oh no

  (425): View more from Washington

  The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends

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  (425): I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor (206): Haha oh no (425): The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends http://tfl.nu/igx9
  Replies (1) Good night (587) Bad night (244)
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.

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  (304): Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle. http://tfl.nu/n2vr
  Replies (1) Good night (610) Bad night (197)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes

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  (563): I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes http://tfl.nu/k4tx
  Replies (2) Good night (448) Bad night (137)
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  (909): View more from California

  Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught

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  (909): Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught http://tfl.nu/ohgq
  Replies (9) Good night (736) Bad night (188)

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