i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
