Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
