tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
