Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
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The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
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it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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