Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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