I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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