If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
