she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
