I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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