I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
