life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
