I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
