My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
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I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
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He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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