Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
