I accidentally burped into my bong.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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