Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
